By guest author Patricia Dotten

Yesterday I got coffee with a friend, a homeschool mom of four children ages 7–17. As we sat and sipped our lattes, she started bemoaning the state of her homeschooling: “I haven’t done enough school this year. My record keeping is non-existent. We haven’t opened a textbook in a few months. Oh my,” she said, “I’m not sure if my kids are behind and what I should do.”

Well, this might be concerning if you didn’t know this family and their four sweet, intelligent children. I laughed. Her kids are some of the best behaved, well-adjusted, well-read, and thriving children I have ever met! And she had just finished telling me about the organic strawberry farm she and her family are starting. She told me about the dairy goats they milk each day, the 6 sheep they just bought, the 50 chickens her kids take care of, and the baby guinea hens they just hatched from an incubator. Their family hosts a monthly worship night and bonfire on their land. Her sons lead the music and are gifted musicians. But best of all, they love God with all their hearts.

“Wow!” I told her. “Don’t you realize that what you are doing is school! Your children love God, they love life, they interact with and love people! They are learning biology and horticulture and a solid work ethic from the little farm you have. They’re developing their gifts and using them; you have great relationships with them.” I told her “You, my friend, are doing an amazing job at homeschooling. All that you are doing is school!”

What impressed me was that these kids don’t have to be coerced, bribed, and bamboozled into “doing school!” They’re eager learners because honestly, what kids wouldn’t want to hatch guinea hens and hang out with sheep for school each day? It sure beats textbooks! It occurred to me that maybe we’re doing school all wrong. Maybe some of our children’s misbehavior and resistance in doing school is exactly because we’re “doing school.” Instead of teaching and training and modeling and mentoring our kids, we’re trying to “school” them.

So when we find our children kicking and screaming about all the school work we are asking them to do, could it be that we ourselves are approaching this whole homeschooling thing from the wrong perspective? Maybe we need to go back to the drawing board and get a fresh and God-informed view of what it is we really need to be doing with our children so that they can thrive.

Now I’m not saying that we don’t need to do academics. There is a time and place for textbooks and workbooks. There are subjects our children have to complete that are hard and dry and they need to learn to persevere in them. And as our children get older, textbooks and more traditional styles of learning may take a larger role. I’m also not saying that every homeschool family has to start farming! But my point is that we must not pattern our homeschools after the public schools or we run a big risk of squelching our children’s love of learning and squashing their God-given curiosity, imagination and creativity. We run a risk of, at best, boring them and, at worst, provoking them to frustration and anger.

There are many reasons that a child may be resistant to our efforts to teach them. How you approach this resistance has a lot to do with the age of your children, your children’s learning styles, possible learning challenges, and your curriculum choices. I cannot deal with all these factors in this short article. But I am choosing to focus here on our big picture perspective of homeschooling and our children’s relationships to God and to us. When these things are properly aligned, then many of the problems associated with teaching academics to our children take care of themselves.

So what are some things you can do when “school” becomes a battle between your child and you? Here are a few thoughts to help you in your journey:

1. Remember that you are not alone.

You are not the only one whose child has math meltdowns, whose toddler has tempers during devotion time, whose teenager rolls her eyes when you give her her weekly assignments. Please find a like-minded group of homeschool friends to walk this journey with. And make sure you’re in an encouraging and supportive church. God never intended us to do life by ourselves.

2. Don’t be surprised when your child sins!

It’s interesting to me that as Christians, we are so shocked to discover that our children — yes, even our sheltered homeschooled children — are sinners just like us! When our child is prideful and rebellious, angry or defiant, it is a great opportunity to point him to the Gospel. These issues are most definitely not a reason to stop homeschooling! On the contrary, it is exactly why we are homeschooling. If you place your child in “school,” will these character issues suddenly go away? No, in fact they could easily go undetected and later you may have a full blown crisis. 

Give thanks when Jesus is showing you the condition of your child’s heart. It is a mercy. Take whatever amount of time you need to address the character issue when it rears its ugly head. This is when we find homeschooling is at its best. In our homeschools, we actually have the time and freedom to set academics aside for an hour, a day, a week or even months in order to deal with character issues as they come up. Remember, character is more important than academics. And when character is addressed, the academic piece usually falls into place. Pray for wisdom as to how to deal with each issue. Each child is different, each struggle is unique and, of course, different ages will determine different approaches. 

3. Review your reasons for homeschooling. 

Take some time to be alone with the Lord. Make a date with your spouse and review the reasons you chose to homeschool in the first place. Having a clear vision and imparting that vision to your children will go a long way in motivating you as a teacher and inspiring your children. Work hard to communicate the big picture to your children and get them on board with your goals. Help your children begin to see that their school is really about the kingdom of God, about the story He is writing in and through them, and how they are a part of something much bigger than themselves. They may actually get excited about school!

Stay tuned for part two of this post, which will go live next week with five more tips for teaching resistant learners.

About the Author: Patricia Dotten

Patricia Dotten graduated from being a homeschool mom in 2022 after 25 years of teaching her 4 children. She enjoyed every moment of doing life full-time with her children. Her son and oldest daughter graduated from college and are now married, and she is excited about her first grandchild that came early this year. She resides with her husband and 2 youngest daughters in the Southeast where her daughters attend a small Bible college. Patricia’s favorite thing to do is encourage homeschool moms. If you have any questions or comments, she would love to hear from you at homeschoollifetogether@gmail.com.