The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever. (Psalm 23)
by Shari McMinn
The great King David of the Old Testament was a type of Jesus. Yet, unlike sinless and perfect Jesus Christ, he was a sinful boy and later a sinful man. As a young boy, David was a shepherd to his father Jesse’s flocks while his older brothers were often doing much more adventurous, manly things like going to war. David was alone — a lot. In fact, you could say that as a young boy, he was asocial, possibly a loner. We do not know if he was alone by his choice or by his circumstances, yet it seems that, when reading through Scripture about his younger years, he was more often by himself than with other people.
During David’s formative years, God taught him many things through many experiences: guarding sheep, killing wild beasts, running very important errands from his father to his brothers, and — most importantly — becoming closer in his personal relationship with Almighty God. He also gained the skills of expertly using a slingshot to protect himself and his flock, while playing the harp to entertain himself. In the above Psalm, we read what David thought, wrote, and sang about. I don’t want to read too much into David’s life story, but we can ascertain that he was quite accomplished, as well as highly favored by his father, King Saul, the prophet Samuel, and God.
I say this to remind you that your asocial son or daughter, who, by circumstance or because he or she does not like being in public or in crowds with people other than immediate family, might resist the expected “proper” behavior during family or holiday events and may have a “loner” personality for reasons beyond your understanding and control.
During the upcoming Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s festivities, he or she might avoid socializing with unfamiliar relatives, unfriendly neighbors, interfering church members, even other children that he or she might not know, let alone like or trust. I understand that this can be frustrating yet normal behavior — especially for tweens and teens — because I raised several children who were asocial, especially during the holidays. For the most part, they weren’t sinful through disobedience; they were just highly focused on accomplishing what was important to them and sought solace to clear their minds and emotions of too much stressful activity. Exhausted by all the goings-on, they also needed to sleep a lot!
When Holiday Socializing Is Hard: Responding with Grace
Is being asocial a sinful response? Not necessarily. It might be wariness of the unfamiliar, accompanied by exhaustion from being around too many people who expect too much “social” behavior from a child who doesn’t know how to be social. And those high expectations often occur an overwhelming number of times during the six-week span from Thanksgiving to New Year’s.
Are our asocial kids moody? Yes. Are they sullen and obnoxious about it? Sometimes, but those responses should not go uncorrected. Do they need some space and time to gather their emotions, manners, and thoughts to be gracious at important events? Yes. Is it okay for them to calm down in a quiet room away from everyone else? Yes, for a short period of time. Is it okay for them not to participate at all? No, it is not, except for unavoidable circumstances such as physical illness or traumatic trigger breakdowns.
Helping Kids with Executive Function Challenges Prepare for Events
When a child struggles with social expectations, it might be that their brain’s frontal “executive functioning” lobe is not fully developed or is lagging behind what is traditionally expected for their age. This might mean they really can’t plan ahead to get dressed and ready to go to an event on time. Their personal space might be such a wreck from their messy disorganization that invited houseguests could not possibly enjoy visiting with them in that room.
For this type of child, planning ahead for what to expect, giving reminders, and actually helping them do the work of dressing or organizing — and doing that cheerfully and patiently with them — is required. This means parents have to plan to make time to oversee and follow through in their own gracious example. It could mean that your son’s or daughter’s bedroom door stays closed, and his or her clothes are laid out for them. Do what it takes to help them.
20 Ways to Make Holiday Gatherings More Manageable
Discuss the potential upcoming events and celebration opportunities with your family, and plan now for a smoother holiday season with these “Top 20” suggestions.
- Discuss the event(s) ahead of time: day, time, location, what will occur, and who is involved; explain your expectations for their participation and behavior; answer their questions.
- Know your child: Is he or she an introvert or extrovert? Allow your introverts to serve behind the scenes and your extroverts to be “front and center.” Neither should be obnoxious about it.
- Know your child’s social index: Can he or she tolerate one event a day, a week, or only a month?
- Know your child’s go-to comfort that isn’t a screen: a book, a toy, headphones, a pet, outdoors?
- Know your child’s pre-volcano emotional symptoms: What behavior and body language mean it is time to let them go to their quiet space before a full-blown emotional breakdown erupts?
- Know your child’s reward for good behavior: Speak to their “love language” after their successful participation in a social event; offer it as a “thank you” and “I enjoyed being with you” gift.
- Know your own limits: Don’t overschedule yourself so that you are the cranky one melting down.
- Know your priority responsibilities: Don’t over-volunteer at church, homeschool co-op, or your job, so you can be emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy and available for your family.
- Know your family’s limits: Don’t overspend or overdo; avoid financial and time schedule stress.
- Plan to do less and be together more to relax: Take walks, watch good movies, read aloud.
- Plan to shine the light of Jesus yourself: Express forgiveness, grace, gratitude, and heartfelt joy.
- Plan to make music: Sing hymns at church and your favorites at home, outdoors, and in the car.
- Plan to make meaningful memories: Baking, holiday light viewing, hosting, and serving others.
- Plan to do house cleaning chores and clothing preparation the day/night before events.
- Plan to leave the house ahead of time, not late, to arrive early, relaxed, and unhurried.
- Plan to host others in your home if your children can’t go out; keep it simple and casual.
- Practice appropriate behavior, greetings, and introductions through fun role-playing.
- Practice conversation about appropriate things to discuss: their hobbies, interests, schoolwork.
- Remind your family one month, one week, one day, and one hour ahead of the event.
- Remember the reason for the Season: Read the Bible, pray, and attend church regularly.
Holiday Challenges for Highly Gifted Children
I recently read two very interesting books discussing late-talking children who are highly gifted. These “Einstein Syndrome” children often have biological relatives who are in math-related or music careers and possess high IQs with incredible memories. Since my husband was an architect with a very high IQ, several of our relatives were doctors or engineers, and many immediate and extended family members enjoyed singing or playing musical instruments, I saw the genetic pattern play out in my biological children. God brought just the right adopted children into our family, some of whom also fit this pattern. Reading those books validated my gut instincts as correct! Thankfully, the Lord showed me what to do while I was raising and homeschooling my children who were late-talking, highly gifted, and asocial.
Most children researchers have studied who fit the late-talking yet highly gifted mold were also asocial, primarily because they were highly focused on what their minds were thinking and what they were compelled to be working on. These children did not want to spend time conversing or associating with other people who might disrupt their thought process and work systems. These children had extremely high IQs and often refused to do schoolwork or testing because it bored them as overachievers. They worked on projects for hours at a time and didn’t want to stop their work to go to the next life task that was required, whether it was bedtime, a chore, mealtime, a school assignment, or social events with family, friends, or invited guests. These same patterns were repeated by many of my own children, especially during the “holiday season”.
Gift Ideas That Encourage Your Child’s Interests and Strengths
We should endeavor to help our asocial children pursue their interests and abilities year-round and during the holidays. Provide your asocial, late-talking, possibly highly gifted children with (or ask relatives to provide them as gifts) these items that can stimulate and further develop their God-given talents.
To increase their math, memory, and music abilities:
- Books of historical fiction, scientist biographies, encyclopedias, dual-language dictionaries
- Chess sets or other math-based strategy games
- Jigsaw puzzles of their favorite items (animals, geography, inventions, structures)
- Lego or building sets; choose sets that are more advanced than his or her age category
- Membership in a chess, engineering, mathematics, or music club/association
- Memory-based card games for solitary or family playing
- Musical instruments: castanets, harmonicas, keyboards, percussion, strings, or wind
- Regular private lessons with a trusted professional math tutor or music teacher
To help them develop a love for reading and talking:
- Audio Bible along with print Bible in the same translation they can listen to and read along, verbally memorizing passages to acquire spoken language skills and vocabulary
- Audiobooks of any genre that interest them; over and over again to memorize lines
- Hand tools and build-it material kits with illustrated and written instructions
- Pictorial history and science books with diagrams and technical information text
- Sign language book or video to learn the physical hand formations with spoken words
- Song CDs or digital drives with accompanying lyrics to sing and read at the same time
- Trunk with thrift store costumes to act out stories and deliver spoken, memorized lines
Keep Faith, Family, and Rest at the Center
It is often a struggle for parents of unique learners to enjoy the holidays themselves. If you are married, get on the same page as your spouse, and discuss the most important things to accomplish for you two individually and together as a family. I personally hated Christmas for many years due to my traumatic memories associated with that holiday. Thankfully, my husband and our kids put up and decorated the tree. When he died, my children took over that tradition while I cooked in our kitchen: my “happy place.”
Minimize the commercial aspect of the upcoming holidays with simple homemade gifts or gifts of time spent being together. Maximize being thankful in November, celebrate Christ’s birth in December, and welcome the New Year with renewed vision for faith and family.
These resources may be beneficial as you navigate the next two months:
- Be encouraged by this Generations podcast: “Raising Christian Kids with Special Needs”
- Check out this podcast: Communicating Hurt with Israel and Brook Wayne
- Consider purchasing this resource: Infant Holy, Infant Lowly Advent Devotional
- Register NOW for next spring’s Refresh Ladies Conference on Saturday, March 13, 2027
- Tune into The Brainy Moms podcast w/ Dr. Amy of LearningRx: Parenting ADHD Kids
Finally, if you did not participate in our Unique Learners Poll already, you can do so now at that link. So that CHEC can continue to meet the needs of our constituents, we will offer this poll as an ongoing assessment of Unique Learner needs in the homeschool community in Colorado and beyond.
My next Unique Learner blog, “The Gift of Christ the King,” will be posted on December 9, 2026 (the second Wednesday).
Shari McMinn, your trusted homeschooling friend
P.S. If you have a topic I should write about, please email me with your suggestion(s). This blog is for you!
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