by Shari McMinn
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love (1 John 4:8 ESV).
A true adage is, “Hurt people, hurt people.”
I was carefully and safely restraining my teen in order to diffuse an angry outburst of extreme aggression. Thankfully, I had packed on pounds throughout my pregnancy years, so I outweighed my child, who was violently reacting to the word “no” as I forbade the use of electronic devices until schoolwork was finished for the day. This particular child was taller than me and was threatening to physically harm me and our family members. As I perched precariously yet firmly, breathing at pace with my hurting child’s rapid breathing, I prayed. Then, I started softly singing hymns of peaceful praise. Our breathing slowed to a normal rate, and calm was regained.
I will never forget that moment in my farmhouse living room. I was faced with insurmountable odds. My husband had gone to glory the year before, leaving me as a single parent, homeschooling the youngest five of my children, who were all adopted with special needs labels – three with violently aggressive behaviors. In that moment of chaos and confusion, the Lord saw me through. He showed me how to unconditionally love my child, who was consumed with fear and was unable to verbally express intense emotions, but was calmed by the presence of the Holy Spirit. God is good, all the time; and He showed me the way, even though it was an unconventional method during a seemingly “taboo-to-talk-about” situation.
Let us get real, shall we? Outbursts of violent aggression are often a daily reality of homeschooling for families with children who are on the autism spectrum, are mentally challenged with bipolar or other disorders, or are adopted with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), among other difficult-to-overcome issues. It is a hard road to navigate, and no one wants to admit these struggles exist. But here in this blog, I am going to talk about them, even if only one parent who is going through such a dilemma reads this and gains strength for facing his or her everyday challenges.
So, what are some of the aggression issues your family faces on a regular basis while homeschooling?
- Child protective services visits after shrieking screams are heard and reported by neighbors?
- Cursing that is worse than an R-rated movie?
- Destruction of valuable property inside or outside your home?
- Flight-or-fight reactions that lead to running away or potential emergency room visits?
- Physical assaults that go beyond appropriately fun wrestling with family members?
- Police involvement at your home or where your child has fled to?
I have experienced all of the above and would be happy to chat with anyone who would need encouragement and support. To help you become proactive, I will share some strategies that I have learned to implement over the years, which I recommend in order to help you parent and homeschool your seriously troubled child(ren) in a wise and loving manner.
First, start by establishing a calm, relaxed routine for your family’s school day:
- Read your Bible each morning on your own and with your children, and then pray for the day.
- Sing together, memorizing hymns so you can calmly sing or hum them when disaster strikes.
- Start your morning by eating a nutritious breakfast together – as much food as your child wants to eat.
- Walk together outside after breakfast, talking and singing as you go; we did this whether there was sun or snow.
- Spend individual time with each child in the morning, studying math and English. Start with the most needy child; let the others quietly build with Legos, do crafts, play with costumes and props, practice music lessons, or read while awaiting their turn(s).
- Enjoy a nutritious lunch together; afterward, play family sports outside or do calisthenics inside.
- Have a hands-on history or science lesson in the afternoon that is of interest to your child(ren).
- After school, have each child spend one hour napping or in “quiet time,” alone in separate rooms while playing, reading, resting, or engaging in some other silent activity – no screens.
- Encourage physical activity outdoors after school; purchasing a trampoline is so worth it!
- Limit “screen time” to prevent addiction: two hours per day maximum, and only as a reward for completed chores or schoolwork – and better yet, only when together for family entertainment.
- Make dinnertime relaxing with nutritious food and calm family discussion – no angry corrections.
- All day long, shower your children with loving, encouraging words and safe, physical touch.
Second, when a child becomes disruptive, take these steps to diffuse the volcano of potential violence:
- Go near the upset child; regulate your breathing to his or hers; calmly speak with a loving voice.
- If the child will let you, give a safe side hug and say, “I love you; how can I help you right now?”
- Let the child vent their anger while you listen; do not interrupt or correct them.
- When it is your turn to respond, say, “I love you; what do you need me to do?”
- Do not lecture your child during the angry moment; this is very hard! Instead, say, “Let’s pray.”
- Pray, and then sing or hum a hymn and hope your child will join you in order to self-regulate.
- If things further erupt, keep yourself and any other nearby children safe by taking them to another room or outside to let your raging child be alone where he or she is at.
- Once the violent episode has passed, go to your child and reassure him or her of your love with brief words and long hugs.
- Pray with your child for the Holy Spirit to comfort each of you, and for Jesus to forgive the sin involved.
- Later, when things are calm, talk to your child about what happened. Discuss strategies for appropriate coping the next time. Remember your child is trying to communicate with their angry body; give them brief words to use the next time when they are overcome with frustration or anger.
- If reparations for physically damaging behavior are warranted, calmly explain your child’s sin and its consequences at his or her eye level, and work alongside your child to repair the situation.
Third, involve other “safe” adults for wisdom and guidance in order to build your support team:
- Confide in a highly trusted family member, close friend, or neighbor about your difficult situation. Let them know what you think might happen in a future event and enlist their helpful, loving support if and when it does occur.
- Discuss the situation with your pastor or elders, no matter how awkward it is to share it with them. Ask for their prayers and guidance, requesting that your situation stay confidential.
- Have a Christian family therapist in place to help your child, yourself, and any siblings involved.
- If you have an established relationship with a social worker – meaning that he or she is trustworthy and “has your back” – ask him or her what is recommended in case violently aggressive behavior happens.
- If your child has the potential to run away, purchase a tracking device to place in his or her favorite footwear in case they run; get several if footwear is often switched out. Discuss with him or her a safe place to run to, and show him or her the way there (for example, we used our farm’s greenhouse as a “safe haven” for any of our children to run to).
- Organize a prayer team so you only have to call one lead person with an emergency prayer request; ask them to alert the others to pray until you update the lead person later on.
- Take time to establish a working relationship with a local law enforcement official. Let him or her know you are raising a violently aggressive child, and detail your situation. Ask for their recommendation on what to do if things escalate beyond your control, and ask how their department can help each of your family members stay safe.
- Talk to your family physician about potential positive and negative effects of prescription drugs to consider their use – both short-term and long-term – for your child or even for yourself.
- In addition to joining the Homeschool Legal Defense Association for homeschool legal protection, join Heritage Defense for homeschool domestic issues legal protection.
Never, ever give up on your violently aggressive child!
Keep praying and expressing love in their preferred “love language.” Seek the Lord at all times, in all things. I have been gratified that a number of my friends — who also homeschooled violently aggressive children — have shared with me that praying and never giving up has had a positive effect and outcome! Their maturing children are finally better at managing his or her violently aggressive behaviors. Even more importantly, their adult children are repairing relationships with them that were previously damaged. This is not always the case, but praise the Lord when it happens! Several of my adopted children, who are now adults, have also reached that milestone. I am still praying for a couple of others, hoping that it will happen for them sooner rather than later. It is indeed a lifelong relationship that we must trust God for, because He loves our children even more than we do, and His grasp never lets go of them.
Here are some additional resource links that may provide you with encouragement and helpful tips for homeschooling and parenting violently aggressive children. (Disclaimer: CHEC does not necessarily endorse the author’s/speaker’s recommended resources or outside links.)
- The Hardest Part: Homeschooling an Angry Child (includes a podcast audio recording)
- Homeschooling a Difficult Child
- Taming Aggression in Children: 5 Strategies for Effective Parenting
- Tips for Homeschooling a Difficult or Defiant Child
My next Unique Learner blog, “Helping Your ADHD Student Learn Each Day,” will be posted on February 26, 2025 (the 4th Wednesday).
Shari McMinn, your trusted homeschooling friend
P.S. If you have a topic I should write about, please email me with your suggestion(s). This blog is for you!
0 Comments